On board a jetplane

The trip to Kota Kinabalu was not as superb as I had thought but nonetheless, it was a vacation that I really needed to calm my soul and let my tired brain get some rest before starting my busy Christmas schedule. White water rafting was the highlight of the trip. I must say that the pedalling was really tough (due to my weak shoulders that felt as if they would give in anytime) but the thrill and excitement was just overwhelming. Swimming in the icy cold river water was awesome although it hurts when my feet keep hitting onto the rocks below. Sad to say, I realised my attitude towards my parents was disastrous during the trip. I am trying all I can to improve this shit-like attitude by reminding myself to stop rolling my eyes for no reason (it has become a really bad habit) and to speak to others with respect. I am starting to lose that happy-go-lucky cheery me in the midst of stress. How pathetic.

Summary of what I did today:

1. Christmas Party at DLS (with the basketballers)
2. Borrowed Change of Heart (by Jodi Picoult) from Claudia
3. Carolling with the Youth of Holy Cross

I need to get my holiday homework done before it is too late, but placing the words "holiday" and "homework" together just seem ironic.

Millions had happened in the past few weeks. It is really weird how my school breaks are more packed than my school semesters. While I was busy being busy, November flew by and now I am halfway through December. I guess I am just starting to experience how fast time really flies. Ah well here is a list of what I had been busy with and what is on my mind:

1. I packed my room (and threw out unwanted files)
2. Had trainings and more trainings
3. Watched "Beauty and the Beast" by Wild Rice
4. Went for carolling practices
5. Completed two videos for Project GOD (with the help of Tessa, Nick and Jonathan)
6. Carolled at Assisi Home and Hospice, Orange Valley (Marsiling) and Candice's party
7. Vacation in two days (L)
8. I need to study and do my holiday homework
9. I want to read so many books

All the little yet memorable moments I had in this Malan campus and throughout these three years have become a part of my memories. I remember how the soles of my shoe tore on Registration Day, causing me to be so embarassed. I remember how I started training with Aubrey and other seniors together with Lois and Rae. I remember how I was cliqueish with Sarah and Tricia, causing many of the other netballers to dislike me. I remember how I teared when I had a thrash out session with Jiawei, Taylin and Charmaine. I remember how Sir (Rendy Lee) liked to ask people to stand on chairs and tables when they failed to answer his questions. I remember us taking advantage of Ms Tay's kindness and not doing chinese homework all the time. I remember the Malang Exchange. I remember how Kristalynn rejected me on the first day of school in Year 3, telling me that the seat next to her is for Peijia. I remember how we all complained about having to climb all those stairs. I remember all the chaptek sessions we had outside our classroom. I remember all the singing I did with all sorts of people at different parts of this campus. I remember the many camps I attended and the chilly wind that blew into the hall as I tried so hard to fall asleep.

I remember so much that I may need three years or more to tell you how much I remember in these three years. Yet moving on is always necessary, so bye bye Malan campus.

Everything seems to be crumbling down and crashing hard on me. It feels so hard to breathe and I hate days like this. Days when I think too much and feel so small. I have no idea why I am so confident that I am not going to make it into the team. I am so sure I am not good enough because I could not even do what I am good at today. My offers sucked and I ruined everyone else's timing. Yet, I want to get into the team so bad. I hate the feeling of being left out, again. At times like this, all the words of encouragement I once said to others seem so hollow and empty. Everything just suck so bad that I feel like sleeping this day through. Tomorrow, I will be fine tomorrow.

I need to know what is wrong with me. I have been flaring up so easily recently, especially at Mom. I need to stop hurting her like that, talking back and raising my voice. My tolerance level has never been so low. It is weird to even acknowledge the fact that this is me. I hate quarrelling with her over nonsensical things. Where has my respect for her gone?

Short, cute and everything nice. I love the girls for being there, adding colour to my mundane school life. All that outbursts of laughter, random rants and heart-to-heart talks. We talk about our dreams, our friends, our life and many other interesting things during our lunches at Subway, KFC and everywhere else. I cannot help but scream "Oh my, I think you girls are really adorable" at times. Thank God I got into 3H.

Yesterday's last PSS was great and I am really touched by what 1H did. Thank you all for the flowers and huge board with your words of thanks. I finally remembered the reason why I wanted to become a PSL. I guess I had learnt a lot from these two years in service and hope that I would be able to help more people in need. PSB camp is around the corner and I am going to get busy all over again. There is so much of admin and planning to do for PSB and Welfare Committee. All these seem like a never-ending cycle but wait, I am not going to shout "I am tired" just yet.

I thought a lot after training yesterday. I realised that I am not doing enough. I repeat my mistakes over and again without trying to work them out. Note to self: focus, communicate with my GD, GK and C, calm down and do not get agitated on court.